The Role of Fear in the Pursue-Withdraw Relationship Dynamic
A common dynamic in romantic relationships is the pursue-withdraw pattern — one partner desires more intimacy and connection while the other partner desires more space and independence. In fact, according to John Gottman’s research, partners stuck in this pattern have an 80% chance of divorce within the first four to five years of marriage.
The key to understanding this “dance” (a delightful term coined by Sue Johnson, developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy) is identifying the role of fear.
A map of what the pursue-withdraw dance might look like (created by Paul Sigafu). In this dynamic, both partners may feel fear in response to conflict/a trigger. The pursuer's "story" is about abandonment and they cope by leaning in. The withdrawer's "story" is about engulfment and they cope by pulling away.
The Pursuer’s Fear
The pursuer in a relationship often experiences anxious attachment or may have early childhood experiences of emotional neglect or inconsistency. The core fear here is abandonment or emotional disconnection.
When connection is threatened (real or imagined), the pursuer copes by intensifying their efforts to reach out and seek closeness in an effort to re-establish emotional safety. It’s important to hold in mind that this can include instigating conflict, because albeit negative connection, it’s connection nonetheless.
In this dance, the more the pursuer seeks closeness, the more the withdrawer feels overwhelmed and pulls away.
The Withdrawer’s Fear
The withdrawer in a relationship often experiences avoidant attachment or may have early childhood experiences of emotional over-involvement or unavailability. Their core fear involves engulfment or losing independence.
Emotional intimacy kicks up fears about loss of self (real or imagined). So, in order to preserve their sense of control and identity (and ultimately, their relationship), they withdraw as a coping mechanism.
As you might imagine, the distance created by the withdrawer contributes to feelings of abandonment in the pursuer, leading to further anxiety and pursuit.
A Fear Fueled Dance
As you can begin to see, both fears — abandonment and engulfment — reinforce each other. The pursuer becomes more anxious, and the withdrawer becomes more withdrawn. Both partners’ core needs (security for the pursuer, autonomy for the withdrawer) go unmet, creating frustration and resentment as the dance escalates.
I like to highlight that at their root, both pursuing and withdrawing are strategies for preserving the connection and the relationship (albeit dysfunctional). When we hold this in mind, it allows for greater empathy and care.
Strategies for Breaking the Cycle
For both partners, recognizing the pattern is important. This is where individual or couple therapy can be a great tool if you’re having a hard time navigating this on your own. These are spaces that may allow for open and honest communication, empathy, and understanding.
Breaking out of this cycle requires greater distress tolerance in both partners. Pursuers have to be able to create some space (and tolerate the possible distress that comes with that), withdrawers have to be willing to return and engage (and tolerate the possible distress that comes with that). One way to do this is to mutually agree on boundaries. This might look like taking time-outs during conflict or scheduling check-ins.
For Pursuers:
Consider how you might develop your inner sense of security and practice self-soothing when you notice your story of abandonment pop up.
Practice communicating what you’re feeling and needing without blame. For example: “I’m feeling a little disconnected right now and it’s making me anxious. Can we talk about it when you’re ready?” This includes using “I” statements. For example: instead of “you always ignore me”, try “I feel anxious when I don’t hear from you”.
Understand that your partner’s need for space is not personal and it’s not rejection, it’s a strategy for emotional regulation.
For Withdrawers:
Advocate for the space you need before things escalate and you shut down. For example: “I need a little time to clear my head and think about what we’re discussing. Can we come back to this in an hour?”
Practice staying engaged without overcommitting. At the very least, listen to what your partner is saying and acknowledge their feelings, and if you need a time out, set a time to come back to the conversation. This can also include setting a time limit for difficult conversations.
Open up about your feelings and your internal process. For example: “I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed right now, and I don’t know how to respond”.
If you recognize yourself and/or your partner(s) in the pursue-withdraw dance and are seeking support with it, it may be worth considering individual or couple therapy. I can help with that! Please reach out with questions or a request for a consultation here.
