The Dos and Don'ts of Supporting a Loved One Through Grief

One of the most unexpected experiences in the aftermath of my father’s death was navigating my relationships. Who showed up and who didn’t, who understood and who couldn’t , who remembered and who (seemingly) forgot. People I thought would be there, weren’t. And people I had no expectations of, showed up (even if imperfectly). Losing someone you love is hard enough without wondering who you can rely on, but this is a common experience for so many grievers.

If you’re reading this, it’s likely that you care about someone who is grieving. You want to be there for them, but you’re not sure how. You’re terrified of doing or saying the wrong thing, you want to help them feel better, and you feel stuck.

Let’s start with what not to do.

Don’t…

• ask “how can I help?” or say “let me know if you need anything”. If your person is in acute grief, they don’t know. Or asking is uncomfortable. Just do something, anything - you can’t mess that up. Bring flowers to the house. Send a card. Make soup they can throw in the freezer. Order them dinner on UberEats.

• say cliché stuff, even if it’s well intended. What does this sound like? “They’re in a better place now”, “everything happens for a reason”, “at least you were there when they passed”, “at least they’re not in pain anymore”. You get the idea. Really anything that starts with “at least”.

• expect them to be “over it” after an arbitrary amount of time (like 6 months or 1 year). They may never be “over it”, the loss may just get easier to hold as time passes.

• offer unsolicited advice or try problem solve, despite how hard it is to watch them suffer. Unless you can reverse time or bring the dead back to life, there’s nothing you can do. You just have to sit with them in it.

• compare their grief to yours or to others. Every person’s grief is unique, no two people grieve alike or experience loss in the same way, even if the loss has similarities.

• avoid talking about the loss or their person. It’s likely that they want to talk about it, even if they don’t know how or aren’t sure what to say. Avoiding the topic can feel isolating, like it never happened or that their person never existed and everyone has moved on. If it comes up, allow it.

• avoid them. Similarly, it can make them feel like their grief is a burden, isolates them, and may have a long term impact on your relationship.

If you can steer clear of these, you’re already doing great. If you want to go above and beyond for this person (bravo, ⭐ gold star), here are some things you can do.

Do…

• offer practical help. Come over to help with laundry, help with cleaning, offer childcare, pick up groceries, mow the lawn, send them a book, etc. Just pick something and do it.

• remember important holidays, dates, and anniversaries. A card, flowers, or even a text saying “Hey, I know today is hard and I’m thinking of you” goes a long way.

• check in on them without expectation to reply. This last part feels important because in acute grief, responding to emails, texts, and calls can feel like a chore. They may not reply and that doesn’t mean they didn’t read it or appreciate it. It could sound something like “Hey, thinking of you today and wondering how you’re doing. No need to reply, just wanted you to know I’m here”.

• talk about the person they lost, ask about them if you didn’t know them, tell stories and share memories if you have them, listen. I remember lighting up when someone would learn I was grieving and ask “What was his name? What he was he like?” and I got to talk about him.

• allow them to NOT talk about it, without judgement or concern. Grieving is exhausting and they may just want to talk about the Love is Blind finale or complain about work or hear about your week. It’s a break (for both of you) and it’s ok.

• be patient, be forgiving. Grieving is like riding a rollercoaster blindfolded. They have really big feelings and may not know when these feelings are going to show up. They’re trying to manage as best they can while feeling out of control and brokenhearted. This takes time. It won’t always feel this way. They won’t always feel this way.

• take breaks and get support. Caretaking and being with someone who is grieving is hard work. It takes a lot out of you. It may even bring up unexpected feelings, memories, or fears. You get to take breaks, too. Do your best to make sure your cup is full so that you can show up your best for them.

• send invites even if you know they won’t show up. One day, they just might.

• find ways to join them in honoring their person or their grief. They might have a place they go (like a gravesite or a favorite restaurant), a recipe they make, a family tradition or ritual that brings them comfort. Consider if it would be appropriate to offer to join them.

This isn’t an exhaustive list, there’s no one-size-fits-all way to cope with grief, but it’s a place to start if you feel stuck. Your grieving person may express personal preferences along the way, hear them and respect them. Know that it’s likely no amount of support will ever feel like enough because of what they’ve lost, but they still need it.

Marissa Renee Lee says, “Grief is love, and love is the antidote to grief”. So, love them well, in any way you can, whenever and however you can ❤️‍🩹.